This isn't going to be a "spent all day at the pool soaking up some rays" type of post...
Lets start first with matthew. I have made reference to it here and there but i have been involved in a very arduous and painful custody battle with my ex husband involving my older son...he is almost 5 now. I have not had him for most of his life. I was ill and needed to heal to live- unfortunately that was away from him. When I was given "summers" and ran down to get him before they could come to any more details (as far as when summer ends)
In Florida he lived off cocoa puffs, fruit roll ups skittles and go gurts (and the Disney channel and cough syrup) The first 3 weeks became an unintentional weaning. my younger son eats mostly what I do, and I eat clean now. We don't have any of the items that he was used to eating in my home. And I wasn't going to go out and buy him garbage to rot his brain when nobody else here eats it. It would be doing him an injustice.
So last week ended the froot loops and cookies. And it was not easy. We went through an actual detox. This kid was acting literally like someone going through heroin withdrawals. He was agitated and throwing things and pacing. He was literally banging his head against the wall over a freakin bag of entamans muffins. But I made it as comfortable as possible, and still offered him healthier food as an alternative, and made no big deal about it. I do not offer him food as a reward for being good ("if your good ill get you a ring pop" as I hear his grandmother say) because that is what places the emotional attachment on food. He cried and cried over the muffins, as if I was punishing him. I tried to explain food was meant to nourish your body. Not having muffins doesn't mean anything as far as how good he is. But how do you explain that to a 5 yr old who knows nothing else? And tell me sugar isn't a drug.
And what about Alex? Today I received the official word that he has been diagnosed with pervasive developmental disorder autism. (I type it the way it was said to me- one long sentence-pervasive developmental disorder AUTISM.) I know what everyone is going to say, I have ALREADY heard it and I've barely even begun this process. I know...I know.... It's a "broad spectrum" and I can "always get a second opinion." But this kid is a genius. And I don't mean in a "the way every mom think their kid is a genius" type of genius. The kid is 2 and he builds trains and rearranges the fridge in color order. When he draws, he's drawing objects. At. 2. His brain is too busy figuring out the inner workings of mechanical toy engines then to be worried socialization. It's known that autistic kids are incredibly smart in that way. So, that's how i know its a truth. Combine this with the forever-looming-over-our-head-fact that his father left when I was pregnant, met alex once and hasnt contacted us since. Child support you ask? Ha! Never seen a dime.
So I am left at the end of the day questioning how the hell am I going to do all of this, alone? Am I really strong enough for this life? Is this what my "fitness journey" has been all about? Giving me the strength to be a good mother by myself to these 2 totally different boys? I know it has been. I've become strong. When you do things right every muscle gains strength-there are muscles in your brain and your heart is a muscle- they gain strength right along with the rest of your body. This has given me the strength to totally embrace this journey of being the best mother I can be alone. There are plenty of positive side effects to all of this...
Why do I write this? Well, because if your on my Facebook I consider you a friend. This is a way for me to open up and reach out. That I consider this life a journey and I want to share it. I don't want to feel alone in this. Because its not that easy to post a quick one line status about my day.
